Self Love Is Not Selfish: How To Prioritise Yourself Without Guilt
Love is a word that has built empires, powered entire industries and been spoken about for centuries. It is defined as having a deep affection for someone. It can be easy to tell another human that you love them, but what happens to those among us who struggle to love themselves?
Self-love is an essential component of our well-being. It can impact how we face the world around us and is the key to our resilience when life throws us a curveball.
Sounds easy enough, right?
If it was, that would be the end of this blog and we could all go on our merry way, being as kind to ourselves as we are to our loved ones.
But if you feel unlovable…
If you’re regularly berating yourself for not being good enough, not doing enough, or letting others constantly berate you because… well, it’s you and you’re just crap.
If your childhood didn’t have much love in it…
If you’re constantly feeling like shit and want to focus on what this means for you and the steps you can take today to embrace the life-changing benefits of self-love, this blog is for you.
What Is Self-Love, and Why Does It Matter?
The idea of loving yourself might sound fairly easy to do, but in reality, it’s one of the hardest forms of love to master. Self-love is the ability to treat yourself with the same kindness and respect that you offer to the ones you cherish. It matters because it forms the foundations for living a balanced, fulfilled life. When we lack love for ourselves, we can seek that emotional shortfall elsewhere – in the life partners we choose, in how we spend our money, and in how we cope with life’s problems.
We are often our harshest critics, speaking to ourselves in a way that we’d never dream of speaking to others.
We are taught to not be selfish and when we do something that feels selfish, we can be left with guilty feelings.
Because we are not supposed to be selfish we are reluctant to put ourselves first.
How do you practice self-love if you’re ‘unlovable’?
What Does Life Look Like Without Self-Love?
Are you someone who struggles with:
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Regularly burning yourself out
- Feelings of insecurity
- High anxiety – worried about making a cock up, worried about what others think of you.
- Disordered eating – low self-esteem, low self-image.
- Financial problems – you will go out of your way to make sure others have fun, even when you cannot afford it.
- Perfectionism – presenting the image of a ‘perfect’ life, growing upset or angry when something isn’t done perfectly.
- Taking any critical comments hard
- Navigating difficult emotions
- Commit to do something you enjoy then back out, or do unhealthy things that can harm you
- Find it hard to be proud of yourself
- Ignoring your own needs because you feel guilty or selfish if you put yourself first
- Putting on a front to conceal your true emotions or thoughts about a situation, or change how you show up in the world depending on who you are with
Self-love isn’t about being indulgent or being arrogant. It’s about understanding the importance of prioritising your own well-being to better support and connect with others. It means meeting your own needs, recognising your inherent worth, and treating yourself with the compassion and care you deserve.
When you love yourself, it creates the emotional and mental space to be able to give yourself permission to slow down, to set – and stick to – boundaries and build a healthier, more authentic life for yourself.
Why Don’t We All Have Self-Love?
Why is it so hard to love ourselves?
There are many reasons why self-love doesn’t come naturally to us, ranging from negative past experiences, a history of trauma or abuse, and a tendency to seek external validation rather than finding it within ourselves. We live in a world where we are battered from all sides by impossibly perfect lives on social media.
From a young age, we are conditioned to measure our worth against societal standards and the perceived success of others. Beauty, wealth, and status often become the benchmarks by which we judge our lives. This self-doubt system can be deeply ingrained, reinforced by parents or guardians, or even by partners who may themselves have grown up without kindness or affirmation. A single criticism from a friend, teacher, or loved one can linger, leaving an imprint that shapes how we view ourselves for years to come.
The negativity bias is a psychological term where we tend to focus more attention on negative experiences than positive ones. We vividly remember the scathing comments from an ex but quickly forget the heartfelt compliments from friends who cherish and value us. Think about the last memorable story you heard about a local restaurant – was it because of exceptional service? Or because the food they ate was awful? Humans are naturally inclined to dwell on the negative aspects of life and allow these experiences to influence our behaviour in the future.
Self Love Takes Practice, Not Perfection.
Embracing the idea of putting yourself first can feel uncomfortable, especially if your self-doubt system is running amok. Many of us grow up with messages to prioritise others at the expense of ourselves. You might believe that taking time for yourself is indulgent or unnecessary.
These beliefs can leave you feeling guilty when you try to focus on your own well-being.
Recognising these patterns is the first step in reclaiming self-love. It’s not about blaming yourself for how you’ve been conditioned: it’s about gently unlearning those messages and replacing them with more compassionate ones.
The beauty of self-love is that it is YOUR self-care package. It is not a one-size-fits-all kind of deal. What works for someone else might not work for you. It isn’t possible to prescribe a course of self-love lessons and you’ll be magically fixed.
The key is learning to identify what feels authentic and nourishing for you. It takes time, patience, effort, and a bit of trial and error, whilst you decide what helps and what doesn’t.
It’s about discovering what fills your cup and brings you peace.
For some, self-love might mean taking time for hobbies, a visit to a spa or creative pursuits. For others, it could involve setting firm boundaries with work or loved ones.
It’s common for self-care and self-love to feel a bit wanky and difficult at first, especially if you’ve spent years putting yourself to the bottom of the pile.
Just like you would build muscle in a gym, the practice of self-love and learning self-compassion gets easier the more you work at it.
Instead of judging yourself for the discomfort, approach it with curiosity.
And be kind to yourself.
Self-Love in Action
We’ve talked through why you should love yourself but what does that look like on a day-to-day basis, especially when you’ve had a lifetime of self-doubt, low self-esteem and negative self-talk?
Here are 5 practical things you can do to start your self-love journey – and not a single one of them includes touching yourself inappropriately (though I’d recommend that as a bonus step! After all, orgasms are a great well-being tool).
These are quick and powerful practices to try each day to help you build resilience and self-love. They all focus on who SHOULD BE the number one person in your life – YOU!
What Do You Love About Yourself?
An important part of self-love is identifying all the amazing things about you. Note down all the amazing things that you love about you.
Start it with ‘I love…’
Here are a few of mine to give you an idea of where you could start:
I love that I’m a good mum
I love that I am strong
I love that I have a wicked sense of humour
I love that I’m intelligent
I love that I am great at learning new things
I love that I am great with money
I love that I am compassionate
I have over 20 in total and I say them aloud most days (this is my walking home from school drop-off ritual so sometimes I forget but I do remember at times when I’m not walking back from school)
Aim for a minimum of 5 and see if you can get as many as 10 or even more than 20.
Now read them aloud.
Embrace the Silence
Do you ever take time to simply sit or lie in silence, outside of bedtime? Giving yourself even 10-30 minutes a day (depending on what time you have) to embrace peace and quiet can be incredibly grounding. Find a comfortable spot, free from distractions, and set a timer. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment—like watching a film. Notice any sensations in your body, and let your mind and feelings flow freely, acknowledging whatever arises. Whether you fall into a meditative state, feel deeply, or find your mind racing, it’s all okay. When the timer ends, take a moment to reorient yourself before moving on with your day. This practice can help you connect with and process your emotions in a meaningful way.
Fancy a quickie?
(Not the kind of quickie you’re thinking but I like your style!)
Sit or lie comfortably and set a timer for one minute.
For the whole of that minute, repeat aloud:
‘May I be happy, may I be well, may I be filled with kindness and peace.’
You can say “you” instead of “I” and think of someone you know and like, or just send love to everyone.
Allow yourself to notice how that made you feel. Keep practicing until it feels nice…and then keep on practicing it.
Make An effort
How often do you make an effort just for yourself? Whether it’s putting on clothes that make you feel good, a spritz of perfume or aftershave, or even a touch of makeup, these small acts can make a big difference. Most days, I stick to comfy gym gear, but when I take the time to wear something that boosts my confidence—maybe nice shoes, a leather jacket, or straightened hair—it changes how I feel inside and how I present myself to the world. Try it for yourself, and see how a little effort can transform your day.
Love Yourself
(No, not like that! Unless you want to of course).
This one can feel a little strange at first – more so than the others:
Stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself (at least) five times “I love you”.
Look yourself in the eyes and say “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you”
For a bit of oomph, if you have a sweary nature like me say “I fucking love you” at the end of it. It may come easy to you, it may make you feel physically sick. Do this every day when you brush your teeth (or whenever you are likely to see yourself in a mirror).
The more you do it and the more it becomes a central part of your routine; the more you believe it and the more you genuinely start to love yourself.
You deserve to love yourself over and above anyone else. Because how can you truly love someone else if you don’t start with you?
Think of this journey as learning a new skill, one that will serve you for the rest of your life.
Prioritise Yourself Without Guilt
When you embrace self-love, you are embracing a powerful psychological tool that plays a vital role in helping to build your self-worth, boosting your self-confidence and giving you better resilience to combat stress and anxiety. You’re choosing to show up for yourself in ways that no one else can. You begin to make choices that support your goals and dreams. This doesn’t mean you’ll have it all figured out overnight, but it does mean taking small, intentional steps toward creating a life where you feel empowered.
When you treat yourself with kindness, forgiveness, and compassion, those qualities naturally extend into other areas of your life: work, relationships, improving mental well-being and giving you the capacity to make healthy choices to improve your physical well-being.
It’s not always easy. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to try again when you stumble.
You don’t have to do it alone, either. The Little Book of Self-Love is your companion on this journey, offering practical guidance and gentle reminders to help you build self-compassion and resilience.
Your next step? Start small. Begin with one of the tips above, or simply take a moment to pause and ask yourself what you need today. Self-love begins with a decision to care for yourself.
You can start right now.
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